So I like to think I'm handling this pregnancy pretty well for someone who really never planned on reproducing. These last few weeks have made me thank any deity I can think of for such smooth sailing so far.
Things I'm whiny about lately:
1. I'm tired, I can't sleep
2. My little girl seems to think if she just pushes on my uterus enough that there will be more room (trust me there won't be any)
3. Heartburn is my constant companion
4. I can't roll over in bed without stabbing pain
5. I have to pee every 5 minutes (literally)
6. I CAN NOT TIE MY OWN SHOES!
All I can think is that some women will spend their entire pregnancies in bed OR with chronic pain OR vomiting the whole time OR some crappy combination of symptoms I can't even imagine.
Now I will be honest,because well I don't feel dishonesty will get me anywhere. I'm feeling a little resentful of this alien invader today. I'm not one of those women who feels an instant connection with their baby and I'm sick of people telling me I don't look excited when I talk about the baby. Believe me I will be, when she is here. Until then I'm going to wonder about all sorts of things that will prevent me from getting super excited about her.
My mom told me she didn't think I would make it to 40 weeks and would probably go around 38 weeks. This made me almost cry tears of gratitude but, was swiftly followed by crushing guilt. What type of woman would feel that way?
This woman.
Now let me wrap this up by saying this:
Today was a tough day. I probably won't feel this way tomorrow but I would be lying if I said I'll feel completely different tomorrow.
2 comments:
Seriously, honestly, completely, I know how you feel. There are days when I'm just like "ugh, baby is still here," when I get sudden heartburn or am awake for the third time in the night to go pee. When I think about how much I'd love to go shopping for clothes but can't because anything that fits now, won't fit when he gets here (God willing!). When I'm at dinner with friends and everyone is drinking Oktoberfest or pumpkin ales and I'm sulking into my iced tea.
I haven't smoked a cigarette in probably a year, but the other day I was walking back to my car after class and caught the scent of one in the air and wanted a cigarette so badly I was stunned. My old self could have broken down and bought a pack, or bummed one from someone - and even though my old self probably wouldn't have that, just the fact that now I CAN'T made me resentful.
Mostly I just want to be MYSELF again and not have all my actions subject to scrutiny. People ask all sorts of things related to the birth/pregnancy/diet/circumcision/baby bump/diapering/breastfeeding and I hate the frowns I frequently get. People always have shit to say. So I've stopped giving serious answers. Someone asked yesterday how I was planning to deliver. Without smiling or elaborating, I said "A stork." It kind of killed the conversation.
But no one wants to hear these things, they would probably think something is wrong with me or tell me I should talk to someone, so I just don't say anything. Nothing but sunshine and rainbows over here, people. Move along.
So yes, I will be excited to have my body back, for many many reasons. I won't say I regret the decision (I don't), but I will not be doing this ever again.
I agree. There is no little amount of resentment for the things I can't do.
I know that when she is here and a seperate person that I will feel better.
The only advice I can offer is don't ever try and down play your feelings to yourself. It's totally ok if you don't want to tell other people.
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